This is my second blog post and my fourth attempt at defining my five core values as part of the 52 weeks to Simplify Your Life Challenge! Yep. My fourth attempt. I have found this really difficult. Surely I know what I like and I know what matters to me. Right? So why have I found it so difficult to commit to my five core values? Ok, so now I feel quite silly really. My top two core values are easy, I have no hesitation with them. Numbers three, four and five, well, that's when I start to get stumped.
When I read the challenge for week two of 52 Weeks To Simplify Your Life Challenge I knew I really had some work to do. I need to be honest if I'm going to move forward because where I am right now doesn't feel good and it sure ain't pretty (just ask my husband)! I have deliberately chosen not to read anyone else's posts about values before writing this because I didn't want to be influenced by other people choices. I've realised that I really doubt myself. I've also realised, and I'm embarrassed to admit, that I've quite possibly been living a life based on what I think are my parents values, not my own values.
In attempting to define my values I've also realised that I've never really had a favourite band, a favourite actor/actress, a favourite chocolate or a favourite colour. I can't even say that I have a "best" friend. I have a number of close friends but I can't really put one above the other. I had best friends at school but in my adult life I've never had a best friend. So when I Googled "values" - yes, I had to Google 'values' to get a starting point - I came across a list of three hundred and seventy four values and I kinda felt like ticking all of them! I also came across the words "remember that not all values can be equal. If everything is important then nothing is important". Oh crap! That's what I've been doing! In trying to value everything it seems I actually value nothing. Well, that's a bit harsh but I'm sure you get the idea. A little bit "jack of all trades, master of none" kind of deal. This is exactly the criticism I've been mentally directing at my husband when in fact I'm the one who doesn't really value anything!
For far too long I have been feeling yucky, confused, stuck, lost, uninspired, burnout and angry, among other things. Angry. So very angry. Angry with myself. Angry with my husband. Angry with my kids (after trying desperately trying to hold in my anger and be patient and calm, it just bursts out in such an ugly eruption). Mostly, I'm really angry with myself. Quite simply I am not the 'me' I want to be. I know this is all completely within my control and that just frustrates me even further.
As I'm typing this I realise I'm nervous, apprehensive or embarrassed to define my core values. I feel as though I'm going to get them 'wrong'. I am actually really hesitant to link up for this challenge but I'm going to be brave and do it anyway. I feel awful. How can I not know my values with absolute certainty? My Mum never let my brother, sister and me fight hence, I don't know how to stick up for myself! And in this case, I am afraid to stand up for my values. Sad really. I don't blame my Mum. I'm disappointed in myself for not having a mind of my own and not questioning what is really important to me. I put too much value on my parents' approval and opinion.
It seems I don't really know myself very well. I feel so wishy washy, so unsure, so ...... weak. Having had a discussion with a close friend about the topic of values and discovering that she also struggles with this, I realise I am not at all judgemental about my friend's difficulty in defining her core values; I would never describe her as wishy washy or weak but I'm really critical of myself. Having discovered that I am not alone, I suspect there may be others who are doing this challenge who have also found this difficult. Knowing this gives me permission to give myself a break!
So here goes..... Defining my core values.....
1. Family - This is a no-brainer for me. Family is hugely important to me. I gave up my first career because it meant I would have to be away from my family. I don't want to miss a thing with my kids, I want them to know that our family will always be there for them. I love hanging out with my folks and my sister. I hope my kids will feel the same.
2. Friendship - Another no-brainer. I love my friends. I drop everything to catch up with my friends. It's the reason I have a 'to do list' that is a mile long! No matter what I've got planned for the day, unless it's an official appointment that can't wait, if an opportunity to spend time with my friends comes up, my 'to do list' can wait!
Now I'm having trouble....
3. Health - Mental, physical and emotional health are all important to me and I feel the pressure of raising 'healthy' children. I'm by no means a 'health nut' but I know that whenever I am not well I am reminded of how much I appreciate and value my health!
Now I'm finding it really difficult....
4. Self improvement - I've found it difficult to define this one but I've realised that I'm always looking to learn about, understand and improve myself. I am seeking to be more spiritually in tune with myself and the world and whilst I'm finding this challenge of 'core values' difficult and confronting, I'm brave enough to face it head on and hopefully shift the negativity that has permeated my life.
5. Calmness - I have realised that I really value calmness, internally and externally. This is something that is in direct conflict with having children! Or is it? Calm mummy = calm kids. If only it were that simple! I recognise that if I lose my 'calmness', it pretty much flows straight onto my kids and so begins the downward spiral. I've known for a long time that I really need to get my arse on my yoga mat every single day to practise and meditate and take care of myself to ensure I have calmness. So why don't I do it? This makes me question myself and think that I don't really value calmness. See the self doubt?! It's so frustrating! Or could it be that I actually don't value myself?...... Now that's a whole other post!
So. I've done it. I've defined my top five core values. I'm still not convinced but I'm going to stick with them for now.
Wow! Your post is really speaking to me. Thank you for admitting your anger...I am not alone! Calmness is my "theme" for this year, I hate when my anger just explodes out of me and leaves me thinking to myself "who the heck was that?!!" Thank you. Beth-also doing the SYL Challenge
ReplyDeleteThanks Beth, you're my first comment ever! Yaaaaay! Yes, the anger is pretty ugly and very difficult to keep under control. I'm working on it. Good luck with the SYL challenge!
DeleteWow! Well done! I identified with a lot of what you said too and I have to admit that anger is a problem for me too. I only realised it after reading your post. I don't know why I'm angry all the time.... it's something I'm trying to conquer with my core values also. Calmness is a good value to have
ReplyDeleteWell done on identifying also that you have been following your parents values. Another thing that I also have taken a long time to realise. My parents are fabulous people and I love them to death but I don't want to raise my family the exact same way that they did. It's taken me 5 years of parenting to finally admit that to myself and be ok with it!
Hi Belinda, I've long been feeling 'out of sorts' with my life. This challenge is definitely stirring things up for me so I'm hoping it will help me to make a 'shift'.
DeleteI understand what you're saying about parental values. I love my folks and am very grateful for the family life they created for me and my siblings. I'm only now realising that my parents' values aren't my values - and that's ok. This parenting gig is tough huh?! There's so much I want to teach my kids that I don't feel my parents really taught me (or perhaps I just wasn't listening).
I noticed you're a "Wilkinson" - me too! :-)